Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The "fun" begins even before we leave the house, and she seemingly made it a point to be defiant today... I tell everybody, including her, to wear something comfortable that they don't mind dirtying. What does she wear? An elegant pink and white dress. I ask her, "are you watching or actually shooting?" she says she's going to shoot. "Do you mind if that gets dirty?" she hesitates and says, "well... Yeah, I do mind". "Then go change it!" "no, I want to look pretty for the pictures" and proceeds to spend another 5 minutes putting on full makeup and perfecting her hair, then I ask: "You're wearing hideous eye goggles and earmuffs on the range. No need to be perfect, let's go!" She ignores me. Then, she puts on a set of heels at the door, and everybody with an iota of common sense are rolling their eyes. Not me, but a coworker that has never touched a gun in his life before says "guns have recoil and will knock you down if you're holding it wrong, don't you have flats or tennis shoes?" I proceed to fetch a set of tennis shoes that actually are white and pink, a little bit dirty. "But they're not pretty!" "Who cares? You're shooting a gun, not entering a beauty pageant, even my wife and Dolly [another coworker that is going] are obviously bumming it!". She tosses it in a corner saying "Everybody has been waiting enough, let's go!" and at this point I am thoroughly disappointed and embarrassed, but decide to have fun anyway.
So, we get there, and she's the only one on the entire range dressed to the 9s while even the women there are casual in the range. Good bragging right if she didn't plan to shoot anything, but even one or two clerks had a "what the heck?" look on their faces. We're signing waivers and picking guns; I get the Heckler & Koch USP .45, I let everybody else handle a Beretta 92FS 9mm, and then just as easily as I can be mean by getting her to shoot my USP, or even getting a Redhawk .454 Casull, rifle or shotgun to let her learn her lesson, I decided to let her off easy with a .22 revolver (which was such a weak sister I didn't even bother to remember what it was).
Then, before the clerk can get an instructor, I was already going over the basics on gripping and even what to do on malfunctions (hang fire, double feed, stovepiping, etc); halfway through, the clerk is actually impressed and I tell him my history where I worked with my dad at a security training academy with Marty Delgadillo, how we used to frequent ranges, I owned a gun and all that... So he continues to watch, dismissed the instructor, and even has me write down my phone number and offers me a job.
During this time, she runs off and takes pictures, but thank God she hasn't stepped out of line. So now with my reputation fully on the line, I actually had to be serious and call gather everyone. I'm going into the 4 Rules, how to hold and aim a gun... The important stuff. What is she doing? Staring at her phone and checking out the pictures taken so far. I stop and say "this is important, will you get off the phone, please?" in a stern voice... She continues to stare and say "I'm listening". So, I finish the rules and get into the visual part of it all, and this time she's checking out something else. At this time I've lost my patience, so I snatch the phone from her and say, "HEY, IDIOT! We're dealing with LIVE ammunition (points at the box of ammo on the counter) with the same REAL guns (I pull up my USP and aim it at the ceiling) that can kill people, not toys! You can check what your little friends are up to later because the range master won't be as nice and blacklist us, and I'll be out a job before I'm even hired!"
Then instead of learning her lesson, she starts causing a scene and tries to snatch her phone back. I then say "just fucking listen, I'll be done in 2 minutes", but she snatches it back and continues to focus on her phone. So, I remind everybody of the safety tips, finish up aiming tips, and proceed to remind everybody to put on their eye and ear protection... Even at this point everybody is in disbelief and even one girl is deathly afraid of shooting next to her due to her negligence. Then what's the VERY next thing that happens?
I just finished telling everybody to point their gun down range or at the wall in the lobby, she continues to take pictures and points it at the lobby. Me and 2 clerks are shouting at her, plus a couple people in the lobby were even ducking, then she says "what's the big deal?" *SIGH*. What's Rule 1? "I don't know". I repeat "treat every gun like it's loaded, even when empty". Then I turn around to apologize to the clerk, and she points the gun at the cameraman. Bitch, what did I just say ONE SECOND AGO? At this point the clerk was laughing, but I still didn't want to look like an idiot in front of the very person that is recommending a position. Not cashier, not the guy that rakes spent casings, SAFETY INSTRUCTOR!!
So by the time I get over there, she's in the next pose and vaguely pointing the gun at her head. I HAD to yell, "if you were fucking listening, I told you NOT to point the gun at ANYBODY, including yourself. I didn't even check if this gun (one of the Berettas with that had its slide forward) was unloaded yet, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!?" Things got really somber and silent and everybody is staring at me, and another clerk said "if that lady slips up one more time I'm going to ask her to leave.", which I then say to her "You hear that? You are this close (gestures hand) to getting kicked out!" which at this point, she finally understands the serious and nods, but not before one last slip-up... She heads beyond the doors into the range without her earpiece, and at this point someone in stall #10 (We have #11-13) is firing off something a large caliber gun, and she is freaking out and complaining about her ears ringing. Umm... Did you hear ANYTHING in my instructions AT ALL?
Then comes the ultimate test: I finish blasting my rounds and now it's her turn. Everybody else is going along just fine; the biggest problem was forgetting to turn the safety off. For her? Now she's beginning to realize she should've paid attention; she's scared as hell and wants to watch me fire off the first few rounds, so I did. No recoil whatsoever = yawn to me. She then reluctantly handles it and how is it held? Clasping her hands together! At this point, I exasperatedly teach her again, then she fires off about 5 shots and cowers back towards the range, so I ended the day with a silly deuce-deuce.
Still had a good time, but I'm still getting silent treatment even 2 days later saying that I embarrassed her in front of her coworkers and called her an idiot. Umm... For one, you looked like an idiot on more than 1 occasion, so it's you who embarrassed yourself. Second, it's heat of the moment when you chose not to listen the first time and almost got us kicked out, so calling you one is justified, and even though I can be the bigger man and apologize, this is one thing I'm not sorry for, and people who know their way around guns will agree. Third, what does the sign with second-largest font in the lobby say?
Monday, February 3, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
As you may have noticed, I mostly tend to blog when there are big decisions troubling me... There were a few posts I've made during significant events, as well as some that I honestly This time is no exception.
So far, I am faced with a tough decision: To stay with the one I'm with, or to find someone more compatible. For other life events, I will brief you in once I get the chance, but so far...
Not too long after the incident with "Jill", a family friend introduced me to someone that seemed compatible with me on many levels, but now I am starting to realize some of the levels are a bit too compatible or similar, and there are some levels that I am slowly losing patience for despite having some of these traits myself, which I guess serves as a hard lesson for me to change my act.
"Like it always happens", the first couple of months is when both people are on their best behavior, and you're seeing each other with rose-colored glasses, and "like it always happens" again, you can think you know someone until you move in together. So, we met towards the end of September, then we decided to become official on October 19. At the time, I was just happy to not be single anymore. Now, I am seeing a paradigm shift.
Despite the fact that I am usually reluctant to believe fortune tellers, they have revealed some truths with a certain degree of accuracy, like one approaching me and informing me that "someone very close to me may die next month"... Even though it took until 6 months when my dad passed, it was still very bizarre. With that, even though another psychic told me my future significant other may have no Asian genes, be blond-haired and blue-eyed (this will come in as a key later), and have a rough past in terms of relationships that will share lots in common.
Well, the latter proved itself very true... Her ex-husband was a performer known for being an extreme flop on national TV, a momma's boy and a 2-pump-chump in the sack, and her first boyfriend was always high on ecstasy and wasn't able to satisfy her, so that sounded bad enough for me... Anyway, at first, she was very affectionate and we seemed to have a lot in common, and I have learned a lot from her, including what has become my favorite way to fall asleep ;-), cooks, and even got me some income when I needed it the most. However, that is where the positives have ended so far.
The bad and first on my list? She is EXTREMELY lazy. I have thought I've met lazy (AKA me and my family), but she takes the cake. Today, for example: We came home and slept at 11:30 PM, both woke up around 9:30 AM. She went out and got groceries, but then instead of following the GPS coordinates I punched in for Ralphs, she headed towards the 99 Cents Store; thank God she didn't buy food there... She went to Smart & Final instead. Reason? "It was closer". So, I'm expecting an almost monstrous amount of groceries, what with being a warehouse store and all... Nope, a box of Cup Noodles, a loaf of bread and jelly (the squeeze bottle to top it all off).
So, we ate, but then she didn't want to do the dishes, and since I was busy, neither was I. I had an important errand and had to leave around 3:00 PM, then was prepared to come home, but not before she made me stop at the store for a few accoutrements, so then I came home about 8:00 PM... After vegging out for a couple of hours, where I also learned that she took a nap for a while as well. After all that sleep, she should have enough power to move mountains right? Wrong. What's for dinner? Leftovers that I threw in the microwave. Any dishes done? Nope, so I had to take care of that. Then, she was still hungry and wanted Cup Noodles. After cooking it, guess what? She fell asleep PROMPTLY and is snoring next to me as I am typing this. Funny, I had a reputation of being lazy, but if I can be up since 9:30 AM and only feel mildly tired at 11:00 PM, what does that make her?
Speaking of cooking, it was cool at first but now I can't stand it... She loves spicy foods. Don't get me wrong, my family is from Hunan China and I therefore may have a gene that predisposes me towards spicy foods, but this takes the cake... Despite that, I eat fairly mild and. In fact, I have had the same bottle of Sriracha since April, and a jar of Lao Gan Ma lasted me 5 months before she devoured the last 1/4 bottle, which would've served me until now. In other words, I eat hot for the taste, not trying to win some competition... For the few things she knows how to cook, every meal she makes is 3 peppers away from becoming a challenge at a restaurant (e.g. the Orochon or Buffalo Blazin' Wings), and I don't remember when was the last time I ate a meal with her unadorned with a crapload of hot sauce. That, and she ONLY eats Chinese food; the most foreign food I've seen her eat was McDonald's and some salmon I've made (but you've guessed it, with 2 tablespoons of hot sauce).
Also, she is about as romantic as a bag of rocks. Not some red, lacey bag of polished stones. Just a dirt-covered plastic bag filed with jagged rocks. How so? She constantly jokes about having an affair or having me find someone else, but NYE came the ultimate test of patience: I had a bit of a financial miscalculation that only knocked me off course by $200, and then she tells me that she wants to sell her body to the streets. At first, I figured it was a lame joke and played along, but then it stopped being funny 8 minutes in and with the preceding in mind, I thought "holy crap, you can't be serious"... So then, she nonchalantly lets it escalate for another 15 minutes, or until I am absolutely convinced that she will be leaving for Las Vegas next week, livid and threw a mug on the floor yelling "IF YOU BECOME A BITCH, DON'T EVER SEE ME AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE OR I WILL SLAP YOU LIKE A PIMP, UNDERSTAND?", then we argue for about 15 minutes, then I'm sitting on the couch after downing an entire bottle of wine in 20 seconds and furiously puffing on an e-cig that I only touch when I'm extremely stressed out (and keep in mind I haven't touched it since August) before she reveals that it was a joke.
So then, we somehow make up, but she leaves to go to a church for NYE, forfeiting another event I wanted to attend. So, instead of drinks and dancing, I finally pull up when I've sobered up and cleaned up at 11:30 PM, but it was a boring PowerPoint about what their church did over the past year, a few hymns and showing videos of countdowns around the world... Then they have the count down at 12:04 AM. WTF??? Also, with the fact that I've even hinted at it while visiting her at work where I told a factoid of kissing strangers not being illegal on NYE (not sure if it's true or not, just heard it somewhere), me having a short discussion the moment I arrived and even trying to bribe her $20 to forget about any conservative notions, I've always wanted to experience a new year's kiss. So, I'm trying to hold her at 11:59:40 PM, and she's squirming. Then I plead with her and lean in closer, then at the stroke of midnight, she's screaming as if I'm about to fucking rape her, and didn't even get a child's peck, and I've even pointed at the TV, which happens to show a couple making out on NBfuckingC TV.
Then of course, the superstition about not getting kissed kicks in... So not only does she not try to straighten it out, she still nonchalantly suggested I go kiss someone else. I got SO livid I just left... Then my friend completely runs out of gas... In a PRIUS!! For the average person, a blinking fuel light means "give me some gas, NOW!!", but for him, he has a bad habit of keeping his car barely above fumes every time. With that, we had to call for AAA. TWICE. First time, after waiting 45 minutes, the tow truck allegedly added 2 gallons, but the manual stated it needed 1.6 gallons to start, and the driver left before we can tell him we needed more. Since he left, we were told to make another request. Another half an hour by the side of the road before the hybrid system enabled the starter and the car finally started, and that's where I finally make it home at 4:30 AM.
Then, I realize after finally making it home that I lost my house keys, whereby I ironically took them off my chain with the intent of making a copy in case I lost them. Great. I had to climb up the side of the house and in through the patio since she didn't answer the door. After being drunk, stressed and even a little fearful of my life = MEGA fucking tired, she INSISTS on talking about the issue until 6:30 in the morning and every time we had spare time for the next 3 days, centered around breaking up.
Also, bad in bed (specifics withheld), hates kisses (only gives childish pecks on the cheek, pecks on the lip are rare and Frenching? Fuhgeddaboudit! Only once in a blue moon and even then it sucks!), REFUSES to take English-learning seriously and has ZERO initiative to learn, and like all Mainland Chinese in my opinion, a gold-digger.
So, since she has been obsessed with breaking up but not wanting to leave, this is almost becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. At first, even though I was THIS close to breaking up with her on the spot at the church and even went as far as changing my FB pic and felt lonely as she went about her day on 1/1, now her constant talks and now jokes about splitting up has got me thinking...
I'm serious that after what seems like a lifetime of desiring an Asian woman, I suddenly woke up wanting to date an American-Born Chinese or even White girl. Either way, I'm very torn right now, since what my girlfriend is doing now may set the tone for the future... If she is laying in bed and wanting me to do everything now, what will happen when we have kids? Oh God... I can picture it now. After eating the same frickin' thing for 6 years in a row, I am exhausted from trying to keep our kids in check and getting them ready in the morning, while their mom, of course, became a housewife that does nothing and is still asleep despite my daughter having a tantrum and wanting mommy to do her hair, but mommy moans it off and my daughter starts screaming. So, I do the best I can, but still looks like a bird's nest, and looking at the time, I'm running late! So, I drop them off, scramble off to my grind and come home to her taking a nap. Dinner time comes around with her barely waking up to serve a bowl of noodles with half a ton of hot sauce for us, and bread and jelly for them since they can't take hot foods, while I'm on the verge of collapsing from a peptic ulcer and 4 hours of sleep per night since the mom doesn't want to do anything.
Even more? My ideal was to find a woman who can become a running mate of sorts, where I can have her co-manage a business. It needs someone diligent and good at English, not someone who doesn't understand the word "text" when I say "我明天text他結果" ("I'll text him the results"), I have a personal preference towards speaking English and dislike translating stuff in general, and well... I've proven the lazy point many times. I love kissing, she hates kissing. I appreciate all foods, she likes Chinese only. I like Rock & Roll, she doesn't. However, she's my first true love and it still hurts to leave.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
To set against me for your merriment:
If you were civil and knew courtesy,
You would not do me thus much injury.
Can you not hate me, as I know you do,
But you must join in souls to mock me too?"
-A Midsummer's Night Dream, William Shakespeare
Seriously, I am still scratching my head at all that happened over the past few weeks. So... I meet this lady, let's just call her Jill. Although if you've been on my Facebook around those said few weeks, it's extremely apparent and obvious who it is, despite her requests that I keep it private, right now I don't care anymore. Just when I thought I was done with all the drama in my life, just when I thought I can FINALLY be happy with life for a change, and could work towards improving my moods and well-being after being so bogged down by my dad's stuff for 4 years (especially the past 2 months dealing with his death and all that), this shit had to fucking happen. Not to mention I've already had like, 8 people congratulate me thinking she was already my significant other. HA! Part of me fucking wishes that were the case, but another is kinda hesitant.
So, I've known her for 2 years, but I just more or less chatted with her and said hi when I was more active and able to attend events. Anyway, there was a beach event towards the end of July, and we just joked around a bit and hung around with each other more than anyone else. Then we hung out a few more times getting lunch, watching movies, walking down the beach, checking out some of the cool houses in upscale neighborhoods, and we were talking seriously about going on a mini-vacation together. You know the "men and women can't be friends" scene from When Harry Met Sally, right? Yeah. Even though she was not initially my type... I like East Asian women with at least shoulder-length hair and no kids since it's a lot to tackle after being single for so long, to... German / Indonesian with shorter hair. She just started growing more and more attractive to me by the day. Also no, don't finish the quote because it didn't happen.
So, for one brief fleeting moment, I thought I not only broke the curse of being single for 10 years, I thought I had a good frickin' chance of breaking through the "friend zone", which is seriously worse than hell in my book. You can amputate my arm inch by inch with a dull, rusty saw, but being turned down by a woman you like hurts more for me. I dunno, I'm probably over-thinking this. After being single for 10 years, even a well-timed smile from a woman makes me feel in love like a motherfucker LOL.
So then, at the height of me being unavoidably smitten, she kinda brought me down to earth by pointing out a few character flaws. Even before she came along, it was stuff I was working on anyway... Not to blame him, but all the 4 years of listening to my dad play victim to everything in his life really took a toll on my mindset; I just finished LV107 and had a champion's mindset and was able to talk leadership as if it was second nature... Then it figured he had depression and took offense to EVERY leadership talk I had, and eventually I was so deep down the rabbit hole that I started thinking like him... But this time, I knew I had to step on it. I already decided overnight to regain my decisiveness and a bit of my confidence, but there were some traits that still lingered that pissed her off.
With that, she wanted me to watch a TV series, but the Wi-Fi genuinely was down at the place I was staying at as of the moment and I promised her I'd watch it when I'm back home. OMFG she got PISSED and started talking to me as if I was stupid... I was even having lunch with a friend who paid me to teach him how to use his new phone and he saw that I was very distraught. Then, after arguing for 24 hours, I sought a middle ground that worked well enough to at least let me meet with some people from Rose Hills in the morning so that I can finally let my father rest at nature, in peace... Instead of having his ashes sit on a shelf in my house; it's depressing to see his urn. It was a stressful talk and I don't know how I managed, but I managed.
Then, come afternoon my business partner only gave me 2 days to prove my work ethic, when I failed miserably by prioritizing other things in my life, so after a long phone call, he dropped me from his business. Good grief; by the way he kept talking to me over the past years I wouldn't want to work with him anyway, and I was already thinking I needed God's advice since my situation is hairy enough as it is, but I also promised her to not share certain details with anyone. So, not even half an hour later, Jill texts me and invites me to church.. Is this the power of The Secret or what??? Wrong.. This is where I'm STILL scratching my head wondering what went wrong to this day... I asked her when, but she doesn't say until after she's done with her congregation that she was just there. I casually mention that I would've gone had I knew, and here she goes going ABSOLUTELY LIVID again.
So, I followed a hunch, bought flowers and took her to lunch and a movie, despite the fact that it was über awkward, and made even more awkward by having her little friend sending texts critiquing me and made her question my motives. "Motives". "MOTIVES?!?" what kind of "motives" should I have when I genuinely want to keep the peace?? "Gauge him and see if he's sorry enough". "Sorry enough"? Listen Jeff, my grandpa was a Canadian citizen! We come from a nation where we not just apologize for everything, we apologize for apologizing too much, then keep apologizing when we realized that we did apologize too much! Also, did it ever occur to you that if I'm going out of my way to wine and dine someone that I'm trying my damnedest to make it up to her? Then, that night kept getting more and more awkward until I had to fight every nerve to not break into his house and beat him up and drop her off when I wanted to do more instead, like going to the arcades or some other outing. Shit man, I think it's funny of how much advice she follows from this schmuck when she talks so much shit about him behind his back.
Fast forward to Monday night, when my former business partner misinterprets Jeff's usual ass-kissing posts, which I do hope he realizes that if he wants to bogart Jill for himself that does NOTHING... I've tried that and it didn't work, and thinks that he's already sleeping with Jill. I was told on multiple occasions that she has no attraction with him whatsoever; "he's boring" "doesn't take good care of himself" "he's a slob"... Shit man, no kidding. Even looking at him, I kiss my $300 Prada glasses every time I put them on nowadays because his are frickin' retarded. There are doctor's offices that can let you have back-ups for $50, but for the last 4 months of seeing this ass-clown, he's been wearing glasses where it's broken on one side and awkwardly dangling on one end, and both lenses are held in place by crimping it... You do know that most optometries give away those little screws, right? Heck, they were $1 for a set of 50 screws. Anyway, I have Brokey McBroke-Ass here trying to act like some know it all when all I did was blow the whistle on my former business partner and we haven't really even talked since Saturday. What a fucking day.
Underneath it all, she's a nice lady, I fucking regret losing her after what little special moments we had, but I think that Brokey is making shit harder for me, when he's a fucking spineless wimp that probably never even held hands with her and trying to impress her with Denny's, pancakes, and sappy, long-winded kiss-ass posts in the hopes that she likes him that way. Sorry if you never liked Yard House, sushi, and what could've been organic homemade spaghetti I meant to cook for you (that I eventually ate for myself since the meat was starting to sit in the freezer too long). Anyway, with all that in mind, I do want to reconcile with her and pursue a relationship, but with all these fucked up things in mind, I feel like I'm beating a fucking dead horse, and with Jeff McBroke-Ass throwing me under the bus and cockblocking me, my chances and motivation of pursuing her are practically hopeless. Any thoughts, my dear readers?
Monday, July 15, 2013
Rumor: "Ed is struggling and in a panic that Unemployment Insurance isn't going through, he's probably broke and scared out of his mind."
Answer: Nope, far from it. EXCLUDING probate estate and a settlement I won (which I would've gladly taken my old company to the cleaners if I didn't have to worry about my dad's final expenses), I currently have $2,200 NET of my own blood, sweat and tears bank AND GROWING. Gotta love residual income from the loans I closed. Would've been more, but I took this month off for bereavement leave. What about the things I excluded? The $300 left in the estate/funeral/donations trust fund for my dad and the $1,000 settlement I mentioned, $1,000 I have in savings (which I have savings for the first time in 3 years), $500 here and there, I have $5,000 NET (AKA after bills).
As I lived paycheck-to-paycheck and lived EXTREMELY frugally at MetroPyongyang*, (e.g. NO eating out, NO social life, NO rainy-day spending) and would still only have $150 left over every month with constant threats to FURTHER reduce my hours, I got $5,000 in 2 MONTHS VERSUS 2.75 YEARS!
Oh, and speaking of UI, I appealed for the sake of justice (not because I needed the money, not to mention I don't want a "failure to appear" on my record) AND WON. I'd return it to the state, but this is the funds that MetroPyongyang screwed me out of and I don't think I'm unfair in asking for a tiny $1,600 back... The appeal decision letter was HILARIOUS; I was CRACKING UP when it said "a reasonable person genuinely desirous of retaining employment would also quit under these circumstances faced by the claimant." In other words, the way I saw it, it means you'd have to be a deranged lunatic to work there! I asked them about my account balance, they said it doesn't concern them. I said "can I continue to work at PVF?" they said "as long as you don't work past x hours and report your income that's OK" However, It'll be too much if I actually continued to claim against it, so no further claims. Hope that $6,600 after 3 years of destitution doesn't make you choke on your Haterade.
Speaking of deranged lunatics, I love this one...
R: "Ed is psychotic and should be [on Prozac / in a mental institution / etc].
A: So wait, you didn't hear about the deplorable working conditions I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy? Are you taking my celebratory joke songs way too seriously? If I have evidence and SWORN affidavits (one even NOTARIZED) from 2 different witnesses/patients in hand for some of the problems that I had to face but was swept under the rug by the owner and someone who calls herself "the boss", let me ask you...
WHO IS THE PSYCHOTIC ONE NOW?
I am seriously baffled when I say that I can bring up a hazard or violation multiple times but have that ignored, but I get the full blame for a minor mistake that has someone else's initials on their certification worksheet, which if "the so-called boss" acted like an actual boss or the owner would take charge and work with the landlord to fix some of the problems after paying $$$$ in rent (I saw the lease agreement and am still surprised that they are low-balling MetroPyongyang), I wouldn't have had to done ANY of the reporting I did, and it's despicable to see that the only way it got resolved was me quitting, having a guilty conscience and resorted to telling the government about the problems of MetroPyongyang instead and not even being around to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
If I am crazy for wanting a safer, equitable workplace where everybody is equally respected instead of a hostile, unsafe environment where everybody hides behind their titles and tells their employees to mindlessly eat their s**t, please, I'd be HAPPY to put on that straitjacket and sit in that padded room for the rest of my life. Please also give me some Eskalith; Prozac won't do nothing for how crazy I must apparently be!
Actually come to think of it, I think the sewage gases spewing out of that place also kinda created an imbalance. After all, if I am getting dizzy, headaches, nauseous, irritability and experiencing short-term memory loss (all of which are proven side effects of Hydrogen Sulfide exposure) that ALL gradually went away the month after I quit, I'm sure part of the side effects of working for an oppressive totalitarian boss AND the H2S exposure ACTUALLY must've made me "psychotic!" After all again, what "reasonable person" would want to stay in this mess?
R: "His dad killed himself because of [something I did; I don't even want to say it]"
A: OK, wait a minute. Wait just ONE F$%*ING minute. Like I said in my last post, anybody who knew my dad for a sufficient length of time knew he had testicular cancer, a heart attack and diabetes. The cancer brought on a trauma, his heart attack needed meds but gave him all the negative side effects ever listed (including depression and thoughts of suicide), and diabetes that was left uncontrolled for so long, his blood sugar imbalances causes dementia. My dad was actually pretty proud of me even if what I did wasn't phenomenal, and it's sad that I just barely got the wheels lifted off the runway of my flight to success when he passed, especially when I promised him I'd send him $2,000 the week before he passed on and was even thinking of surprising him with $500-$1000 per month, a feat I would've NEVER been able to do at MetroPyongyang living paycheck-to-paycheck. At any rate, nothing would've saved him. In fact, I even subpoenaed his phone records and even the friend he talked to 4 HOURS before he shot himself said he was in good spirits and even planned on visiting him the next week, so this was definitely unpredictable.
Also again, I hope that the person that made the statement should learn how to respect the dead and go f#&k yourself, you insensitive a$$hat.
*For those that don't get the joke, Pyongyang is the capital of North Korea and the oppressive, totalitarian Commies with no regard for anybody's well-being I worked for was named Metropolitan Optometry.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Starting around spring of 2009, he started having these severe depression symptoms where he was constantly worried and stressed out even over the littlest things, saying hurtful things to me all the time (e.g. if I didn't pick up the phone he'd say stuff like "you don't care about me" and "I'm a worthless pile of crap, forget I ever existed")... This happened almost DAILY and any problem he'd have would last for over a week. Since he alienated most of his friends, not to mention at least twice a month there'd be something new to get upset about, I became pretty much the only pissing post he had, and that's a lot of pressure; I even started getting anxiety attacks whenever he'd say stuff like that...
It got to the point where he was such a downer that it started affecting my life, my way of thinking and my own problem-solving abilities went down. In fact, I too, have become so depressed that my life went to hell in a handbasket. I was making good money; I had a fully-furnished, plush apartment in Arcadia, the car that I've wanted that was going to be traded in for a BMW or Lexus (I haven't pulled the trigger on it, but at the time but I was leaning towards the Lexus IS-C)... Down to being so demotivated that I slept at 4AM on a regular basis, woke up around noon, stopped pursuing any form of income and lost everything... Oh, and the fact that I got wrongfully terminated from one job, laid off from another and ROYALLY screwed out of a business partnership didn't help either. It still hurts to think about it; it still hits me like a ton of bricks as if it happened yesterday, and the fact that one of my friends keeps trying to use this as a way to "punk" me into doing something or reminding me not to go down my old path all the fucking time doesn't help either. Anyway, that's besides the point.
So, they finally figured out that he had diabetes and his blood sugar was high enough for him to need hospitalization towards the middle of 2012... Also this is after he started experiencing the more severe of symptoms like frequent urination and blurred vision. So, he's been on diabetes treatment and things were starting to slowly go back to normal, although he would still tick over minor discrepancies or overreact to negativity, but it became only 1-2 days instead of 1-2 weeks.
Also at around this time, he decided to hand-build a trailer that became his home. I was praying that he'd get over this horrible disease and he seemed to have the upper hand, until the very morning of trying to enter a dispute with my former employers, I got an email from the county Medical Examiner's office, where I called back and they informed my my dad shot himself.
So far, with everything I said a few days ago in mind, life has gotten easier in certain ways, but in other ways it's harder. Life is harder in the sense that now more than ever, I do feel a bit alone. Sure, I found new relatives I didn't know I had, more friends are talking to me and reaching out more, and I'm not constantly worried about my dad anymore (which is making me move mountains in my life), but also it's harder in the sense that now I am more easily agitated since I am still coping, and having to sift through his paperwork, file legal documents and all this stuff is a lousy experience... I didn't know that the death of a family member was this complicated.
But anyway, here's to your memories. I even crawled up extra early and went to our favorite breakfast joint and ordered your favorite breakfast. Steak & Eggs, sourdough bread, eggs over-medium with coffee.
Anyway, it's getting late so I think it's best if I end it on this note.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Wish I was there or at least able to talk to you or even see you one last time before you did what you did... It may not have seemed like it, but I have never been able to talk to another person on the same level as you... You always gave sound advice without discrimination, hostility or "figure it out / you're own your own" type of answers.
I also wish that you could've at least waited for me to express my gratitude of being part of me being brought into this world by completing my dream of being able to support you, or even a chance to meet my future wife and kids, just so I can vicariously experience what it's like to have a living biological grandfather as both of mine passed on before I was even born.
REST IN PEACE
July 5th, 1957 - June 15th, 2013