Starting around spring of 2009, he started having these severe depression symptoms where he was constantly worried and stressed out even over the littlest things, saying hurtful things to me all the time (e.g. if I didn't pick up the phone he'd say stuff like "you don't care about me" and "I'm a worthless pile of crap, forget I ever existed")... This happened almost DAILY and any problem he'd have would last for over a week. Since he alienated most of his friends, not to mention at least twice a month there'd be something new to get upset about, I became pretty much the only pissing post he had, and that's a lot of pressure; I even started getting anxiety attacks whenever he'd say stuff like that...
It got to the point where he was such a downer that it started affecting my life, my way of thinking and my own problem-solving abilities went down. In fact, I too, have become so depressed that my life went to hell in a handbasket. I was making good money; I had a fully-furnished, plush apartment in Arcadia, the car that I've wanted that was going to be traded in for a BMW or Lexus (I haven't pulled the trigger on it, but at the time but I was leaning towards the Lexus IS-C)... Down to being so demotivated that I slept at 4AM on a regular basis, woke up around noon, stopped pursuing any form of income and lost everything... Oh, and the fact that I got wrongfully terminated from one job, laid off from another and ROYALLY screwed out of a business partnership didn't help either. It still hurts to think about it; it still hits me like a ton of bricks as if it happened yesterday, and the fact that one of my friends keeps trying to use this as a way to "punk" me into doing something or reminding me not to go down my old path all the fucking time doesn't help either. Anyway, that's besides the point.
So, they finally figured out that he had diabetes and his blood sugar was high enough for him to need hospitalization towards the middle of 2012... Also this is after he started experiencing the more severe of symptoms like frequent urination and blurred vision. So, he's been on diabetes treatment and things were starting to slowly go back to normal, although he would still tick over minor discrepancies or overreact to negativity, but it became only 1-2 days instead of 1-2 weeks.
Also at around this time, he decided to hand-build a trailer that became his home. I was praying that he'd get over this horrible disease and he seemed to have the upper hand, until the very morning of trying to enter a dispute with my former employers, I got an email from the county Medical Examiner's office, where I called back and they informed my my dad shot himself.
So far, with everything I said a few days ago in mind, life has gotten easier in certain ways, but in other ways it's harder. Life is harder in the sense that now more than ever, I do feel a bit alone. Sure, I found new relatives I didn't know I had, more friends are talking to me and reaching out more, and I'm not constantly worried about my dad anymore (which is making me move mountains in my life), but also it's harder in the sense that now I am more easily agitated since I am still coping, and having to sift through his paperwork, file legal documents and all this stuff is a lousy experience... I didn't know that the death of a family member was this complicated.
But anyway, here's to your memories. I even crawled up extra early and went to our favorite breakfast joint and ordered your favorite breakfast. Steak & Eggs, sourdough bread, eggs over-medium with coffee.
Anyway, it's getting late so I think it's best if I end it on this note.
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