Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Now I'm officially convinced my girlfriend is an idiot!

So... Earlier in the week, my girlfriend's coworker decided that since I knew my way around guns, I owned a gun before, and have took at least 8 people to the shooting range, he decides that the shooting range would be a cool place to do his photography class project.

Keep in mind that my girlfriend and most of her coworkers only speak Mandarin and little to no English, and the dialog below with her and coworkers are either translated or the closest possible translation to English that captures the essence and meaning, but not exactly was said.

The "fun" begins as soon as she's getting ready, which she almost seemingly wanted to be defiant that day... I tell everybody, including her, to wear something comfortable that they don't mind dirtying, and with them working in logistics/warehousing, I thought that'd be easy.

I have everybody meet at our apartment, but she took her time getting ready, emerging with an elegant pink and white dress. I ask her, "are you watching or are you shooting?" she says she wants to shoot. "Mind if that gets dirty?" she hesitates and says, "Yeah, I do". "Then go change it!" "No, I want to look pretty for the pictures!" and proceeds to spend another 5 minutes putting on makeup, perfecting her hair, and even asking me what earrings to wear, then I respond: "You DO know that you're wearing ugly goggles and earmuffs, right? Let's go!" She ignores me and puts on a dangly set.

Then, in front of 5 coworkers, she puts on a set of heels with a thin stem (any thinner and it might as well be a 20d nail), and everybody is rolling their eyes, on top of saying the same thing I tried to tell her.

A coworker that never touched a gun in his life even said "a gun's recoil can knock you on your ass, can't you wear flats or tennis shoes?" I proceed to fetch a set of tennis shoes that actually are white and pink... "They're dirty!" "Are you serious? You're shooting a gun, not entering a beauty pageant, even my wife and Dolly (another female coworker that is going) look like vagrants!". She tosses it in a corner saying "Ai, everybody waited enough, let's go!" and at this point I am thoroughly disappointed and embarrassed, but try to make the best of it anyway.

So, we get there, and she's the only one in the ENTIRE range dressed to the 9s. I should be proud... If she was only a spectator. When I was checking her in, 2 clerks gave me the "you have got to be kidding me" look.

We're signing waivers and picking guns; I get the HK USP .45 since that was my last gun before I sold it, the clerk and I agree on the Beretta 92FS 9mm as a beginner (my first time ever was a slightly beefier .357 revolver), and although I could be mean and let her shoot my USP, a Casull, rifle, or shotgun to humble her, I got a weak .22 revolver (I didn't even bother to remember what it was).

Before the clerk can fetch an instructor, I was already going over the basic instructions with 2 people, even asking for snap caps (or "dummy bullets"). Since I was even demonstrating things they don't even teach beginners (e.g. clearing a stovepipe or how to tell if you have a squib load), the clerk was impressed enough to ask about my background: I've been shooting since I was 14 from black powder to a SCAR 17, and even my very first time was there at LA Gun Club while working for a security guard training company my dad worked for (and me too had he not mouthed off a coworker and got canned); I even pointed out another clerk that I recognized, so he takes down my phone number and offers me a job since they have lots of Asian tourists but nobody that can speak Mandarin to go over safety training.

Now the heat is on; the manager is not just ensuring I'm doing it right, but now as a potential employee, my reputation is on the line. So I gather everybody, tell them that he's planning on hiring me, so I wanted the best of out everybody. So I start with the important stuff, such as the 4 Rules, holding, aiming, and so on.

What is she doing? Staring at her phone and checking out the pictures she took so far (despite the fact that the photography student was taking pics too). I stop halfway through Rule 2 and sternly say, "This is important. Will you get off the phone?"... "I'm listening". So, before I got into the visual part, she's sending a message to someone... At this time I've lost all patience, so I snatch the phone from her and almost growl, "HEY, IDIOT! We have LIVE ammunition (picks up the box of ammo on the counter and shakes it in front of her face), with the same REAL guns (I pull up my USP and aim it at the ceiling) that can kill people, not toys! You can talk with your friends later, but if you want to die, don't do it here; we're either going to get kicked out, I'm out of a job before I'm even hired!"

Then instead of learning her lesson, she starts causing a scene and digging her phone out of my pocket, much to the chagrin of anyone watching. "just fucking listen, I'll be done in 2 minutes!", but she snatches it back and continues to focus on her phone. Believe me, I was so tempted to just load one up and let her feel the wind of flying bullets. So, I finish up my course, but at this point nobody has any confidence in my girl, and one of her coworkers is even scared enough to want to go home because of her negligence as it is...

But what happens next? Everybody else is applying the rules while striking poses, but not her; instead of at the ceiling or wall, she points the gun at the lobby. Me and a few clerks are shouting at her with their hands on their holsters, and a few people in the lobby were even ducking and screaming, then she says "what's everybody scared of?" *SIGH*. What's Rule 1? "I don't know". I repeat "this is why I wanted you to pay attention! Treat every gun like it's loaded, even when empty".

Then I turn around to apologize to the clerk as she's trying to make absentminded excuses. After all that, she points the gun at the wall, but this time at the coworker with the camera, incorrectly clasping her hands on the grip. Bitch, what did I just say A FEW SECONDS AGO? At this point the clerk was laughing, but I still didn't want to look like an idiot in front of the very person that is recommending a Safety Instructor job position. Not cashier, not the guy that rakes spent casings, SAFETY INSTRUCTOR!!!

As you can see above, I am NOT bluffing when I say that I was offered a job, with money for my license fees and all.

So by the time I get over there, she's in the next pose and pointing the gun at her head with her finger on the trigger. At this point, I was livid and had enough; I HAD to yank the gun out of her hand, drag her outside and yell, "HEY!!!!! if you were fucking listening, you won't be repeatedly violating 3 out of 4 safety rules at once! I tried to tell you, but you refuse to fucking listen, especially since you're scaring the shit out of people, this is VERY fucking serious!!!!! *getting in her face and yelling* DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!?" The whole lobby got silent for a few seconds and EVERYBODY is staring at us, and another clerk came out and said "if that lady slips up one more time I'm going to ask her to leave.", which I then say to her "You hear that? You are this close (gestures hand) to getting kicked out!" which at this point, she finally understands the seriousness of the situation and nods, but not before one last slip-up... Once our stalls were cleared, she waltzes in without her earmuffs, and at this point someone in stall #10 (We have #11-13) is firing off a larger caliber bolt-action rifle, and she is freaking out and complaining about her ears ringing; shit, even my ears were hurting every time he shot a round. Umm... Did you hear ANYTHING in my instructions AT ALL?

Then comes the ultimate test: I finish blasting my rounds and now it's her turn. Everybody else is going along just fine; the worst problem I've encountered was someone forgetting to turn the safety off. For her? Now she's beginning to realize she should've paid attention; she's scared as hell and wants to watch me fire off the first few rounds, so I did. Almost no recoil whatsoever = yawn to me. She then reluctantly handles it and how is it held? STILL Clasping her hands despite giving her yet another crash course and pointing it towards the door! At this point, I exasperatedly train her again and she's giving me shit about yelling (we're in the range, genius), then she fires off about 4-5 shots and cowers back against the rear wall (with the gun pointed at me and her finger curled on the trigger no less and at least 2 rounds left, no less), so I ended the day with a silly deuce-deuce and I was doing my best not to invoke my right to self-defense, but too bad I already spent every round of ammo for the USP.

Still had a good time, but I'm still getting silent treatment even 2 days later saying that I embarrassed her in front of her coworkers and they were calling her on her shit at work. Umm... For one, you looked like an idiot on more than 1 occasion, so it's you who embarrassed yourself. Second, it's heat of the moment when you chose not to listen several times and almost got us kicked out, so calling you out is justified, and even though I can be the bigger man and apologize, this is one thing I'm not sorry for, and people who know their way around guns will agree. Third, what does the sign with second-largest font in the lobby say?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

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